February 14

by adelinashee Posted on February 15, 2012

Every now and then, I am struck by a moments of weakness.

They come, without warning. It can be in the middle of the day, when a note or chord strikes in the song I’m listening while walking to class. It can be in the early hours of the morning, when my entire apartment is silent with the sleep of my roommates. Or it can be late at night, when the streets are empty and the glow from my computer serves as my only form of light.

Today, I was sitting in the dark of the movie theater after grabbing dinner with some girlfriends. We sat in a row, giggling and gushing over Channing Tatum and his wonderful physique.

It was the same movie theater we’d been in together. The same arcade sat right outside where we spent our quarters on video games. You snuck a flask of alcohol in and I was so afraid we would have gotten caught.

I wish I could erase all the fights we’d ever had. It seemed like the past wasn’t that bad after all. You really did love me, didn’t you?

I remember going into a panic due to the overwhelming amount of work I had to get done in the beginning of the semester. I wasn’t even moved into my own apartment yet and I had my things all over the place. I barely had a grip on my life but you were there and were more than willing to help me out.

You were walking me home through campus and I was venting so hard, so afraid that I couldn’t manage everything that was on my plate. You sat me down and looked me in the eye, convincing me that everything was going to be okay. That I could manage my time, that I would be able to sort it all out. That, most importantly, I had you and you’d be there for me and it’d all be okay.

I could pick out a dozen memories of us that I would want to keep and scrapbook for an eternity. Then there was also a dozen things about us that I wished I never had had to go through.

Today, I woke up and did things that I loved and felt no guilt in doing. I went to class, went to the gym, spent time with friends, ignored the entire idea of calories, asked a boy out and smiled at all the other people who were in love.

I was alright.

Posted in Relationships, Thoughts | Leave a comment

For You

by adelinashee Posted on February 9, 2012

Sometimes I wish I could write a million letters and send them out into the open space, to anonymous souls, who didn’t know me but would get to read a little part of me.

But really, all I want is for that one person to read it.

Remember when we first made dinner together? You taught me how to cook asparagus. You had to slant them at an angle in the pot with the bottom in first because it took longer for the stems to cook. And remember how afraid I was to smother my hands in mayonnaise but you made me do it because that was the only way you could evenly coat the chicken. 

We set the table and you lighted candles. I thought it was the cheesiest gesture ever. And then we were in your house over the summer and your mom made us the most beautiful and delicious candle lit dinner. I will always remember the tiny smile you give me whenever I feel hesitant or doubtful about anything. You would lean in, look me in the eye, give me my hands a little squeeze and smile a little bit. I don’t know what it was about that smile of yours but I would always feel better after it.

I wish I could preserve you and the memories we had as it is. Untainted. I wish there was a way for me to keep you in my life. You were such a big part of it and if only you could see me and how desperate I am to fill the void you left. I keep looking at all the wrong places, constantly searching for anything that would even remotely resemble you.

I wonder how different things would be if we still had each other. Do you think of me at all?

I know they say people change but I want to believe that somewhere inside of you, there’s a person that I used to know.

It tears me to pieces every time I allow myself to revisit the memories that have you in it. It tears me even more to have to let you go. I never thought it would amount to this.

Or I guess I should say, that it would end like this. 

Posted in Sad, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Futility

by adelinashee Posted on February 6, 2012

It’s that exact one scene I keep replaying in my head.

That tinge of regret but mostly bliss when I opened my eyes and realized I wasn’t alone. I wish I had the chance to put it into words and I got to tell you how I felt about it.

I don’t know how or when you crossed the line to become somebody I truly wanted to spend more time with. Maybe it’s just me and my pre-conceived notions about people but I’m really crossing my fingers and hoping that you’ll turn out to be the person I expect you to be.

Honestly, I’m so tired of things falling apart. Things only working out half way. Why can’t they work out all the way for me? It’s so disheartening and it just serves as a painful reminder of how pathetic the state of my life can get.

More often than not, I find myself at the disposable of everyone around me. You only talk to me when you need favors from me. When I am of use and I always oblige, even when it’s to my inconvenience.

I’ve tried multiple facades and I still find myself in this awkward position. I guess wearing my heart on my sleeve was just another waste of time. I guess the hardest thing to live with and take away from the whole thing is realizing that you’re not even worth a shot. That, despite putting yourself blatantly out there for the other person, you’re not even worth taking a chance for.

It’s like a stinging slap in the face; a sobering realization. That despite your best efforts, you just didn’t make the cut.

Now’s about the right time for me to just be a hermit. I don’t even know how many times can you be broken down and brought to the ground until you can’t stand up again?

I wish life was a math equation, where the answers are fixed and you can always trace your steps back to the mistake and fix it.

But then again, I’ve never been good at math either.

I just never win, do I?

Posted in Life, Sad | Leave a comment

Lessons

by adelinashee Posted on February 3, 2012

It’s nights like these where I am wide awake.

Outside the snow falls steadily and I’m going to peer out my window tomorrow to a blanket of white.

It’s a little bit like magic.

After being angry for so long, I’ve realized that I’ve also been jealous. I’m jealous of the girls that have come after me and have gotten the best of him because at one point, that was me.

And then I’ll feel a little bit sad as well for the same girls. Because they will be the same ones who will cry and wonder where they’d gone wrong. They’ll try to fix things, they’ll try to convince him that they’re worth one more shot. One more chance at least. They’ll face the same disappointment and they’ll be made to think that they’re not good enough.

But then they’ll learn.

They’re enough. Maybe more for somebody else even.

I did. I learned.

Posted in Life, Thoughts | Leave a comment

It Will Hurt

by adelinashee Posted on February 2, 2012

Every time you step into my life, a little bit of it falls apart.

I thought it would be a good thing for us to take the next step and try to be civil. That was why I decided to give it a shot. To give myself, primarily, the chance to be forgiving and hopefully also, forgetting.

I realized however though that the hurt you’ve put me through surpasses any human capacity for forgiveness. I have been patient, too patient, with all of your sick mind games and carelessness.

I’ve dealt with you drunk on nights before my finals. I’ve dealt with you in pain; crying and pathetically pleading before my eyes. I’ve dealt with you selfish. I’ve dealt with you broke. I’ve had to cover up for you, countless of times. I’ve had to see you stressed out and I’ve seen you panic.

I’ve seen almost every side of you. I’ve seen you elated and broken-hearted. Seen you both exhausted and bored. I’ve seen you excited and I’ve seen you insecure. I’ve even seen you in physical pain. Nursed you after your surgery.

Now it’s time for me to see the final side of you. The side I thought never existed. The side that everyone else in the world saw except for me.

You’re a cheater and a liar. You are the most selfish person I’ve ever known. You backstab and you bitch, honestly, more than a bitch. You will say anything to anyone to get what you want. You have no respect for people or friendships. I find it so ironic that you’re in an organization that upholds that. Do you even know what loyalty means?

You take everyone around you for granted. You will step on anybody’s toes to get where you want to go. You don’t repay favors and you don’t have the sense of gratitude.

You’re also kinda dirty. In every way possible. And no, that wasn’t compliment. And hell no was that sexy in any way either.

I don’t know why I had this urge in me to make you want to see all of this that you’re doing. I should have known that you do know what you’re doing and you’re able to live with yourself like that.

I wanted revenge so badly. That was honestly all I could think about. What could be the next thing I’d do that would hurt you?

Now, I just want to look you in the eyes and say, I don’t give a fuck anymore. You know who you are and the kind of person that you want to be. I respect that but I just don’t want anything to do with you for the rest of my life.

I just think it’s sad because they say, karma’s a bitch and I don’t have to do anything before you realize how much it could hurt you too.

Posted in Angry, Thoughts | Leave a comment

Who?

by adelinashee Posted on January 31, 2012

Last weekend, I decided to make the painful choice of “being friends” with Brian. I thought that coffee would be a good way to start. He’d politely obliged me with my request and we’d met up in the library.

The series of events that occurred after that was not how I had envisioned our coffee date to end at all. Later that day, I found myself sitting on the floor of my incredibly messy room, in his clothes, tears streaming down my face and feeling so helpless.

I wondered how I had managed to mess it all up again. Can things actually get so broken, you really can’t salvage any part of it anymore?

I met Brian again to apologize. The structure of our relationship had changed so drastically. There was this new way of him looking at me and a new tone of voice he would use with me. And it was in that moment that I’d realized that the Brian I knew from a year ago wasn’t there anymore.

He spoke to me with a certain kind of coldness; distance. There was a sense of casualness in his voice and a stern authority, stripping me of any voice. When he did decide to look at me, which rarely ever did happen, there wasn’t much room for warmth. I sat there, next to him, and even though our knees rubbed against each other, I realized that we were already worlds apart.

How did five months of separation make us total and absolute strangers?

I looked at him as he worked on my computer and imagined of what it would be like if we were still in love. This side of him, this facade that he’s taken on or grown into, is almost as cold and dry as the winters here.

It kills me to face him and just wonder where the Brian I’d knew over the summer has gone. It felt like he’d changed with the seasons. I just can’t let go of the smile he gives me whenever we would Skype. Being oceans and time zones apart, waking up to that was sometimes the highlight of my day. But now, it’s not there. Was the summer just a dream?

I watched him pack up his things and put on his coat. I knew better than to object to his leaving. He wouldn’t appreciate any of it. Not anymore at least. A brief hug and a false promise to grab dinner together, and he was gone. I sat there, in the empty hall of the library, alone with the vanishing sound of his voice.

I gathered all the courage I could to stop me from crying and walked my way home. What was I really expecting out of him, I don’t know. I guess a big part of me wants to try to show him how much I’ve missed us. The way we worked with each other and how happy I really was.

The only answer I got was the painful reminder that “we” don’t exist anymore.

Posted in Relationships, Sad, Thoughts | Tagged | Leave a comment

Chances

by adelinashee Posted on January 28, 2012

It feels like I’m walking on ice. I have to carefully time and craft my choice of words because one wrong push could send it all to pieces. Again.

I remember stepping into Brian’s arms for a hug and instantly scratching his back. I could feel him smile before he whispered to me, saying, “You know me too well…”

How can something that feels so right be so wrong?

I know that we’re from entirely different worlds. I know he’s not good for me and neither am I for him but there are times when we are together, everything just clicks. Just in that moment, it felt right. It’s the familiar kind of comfort that I miss so much.

I wish I had the chance to make it right again. I just want to turn back time and take all the wrongs out.

Just one chance and I promise I won’t mess any of it up.

Posted in Sad | Tagged | 2 Comments

So?

by adelinashee Posted on January 27, 2012

I find it almost appalling that I am still struggling with a relationship that has long been dead.

I’m not talking about the mere five months ago. Not the breakup. Stepping back and taking a look at things, it was dead long before that. I’ve realized that I’ve been playing it all out in my head.

I woke up about two nights ago with tears streaming down my face. It was a nightmare. In my dream, I saw the both of them. He was in his blue dress shirt and had his hands wrapped around her. They looked happy together. He was happy.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen him like that. It was the kind of happiness they wrote about in books. The kind they acted out in movies. It was the kind of happy that came from the inside.

What am I going to say to him? That I wished I was her? That I would do anything to make him that happy?

I feel like I’ve exhausted all my words. What can you possibly say when you realize you’ve been in this all alone from the beginning?

What else can you do when you’re in love with a man that was never in love with you?

Posted in Relationships, Sad | Tagged | Leave a comment

On The Strength Of All Convinced

by adelinashee Posted on January 23, 2012

As I type this entry, my family is all gathered under one roof, in my house celebrating the dawn of the new year according to the Chinese calendar.

This will be my second year missing the celebration and festivities back home and I can’t help but wonder how many more of it will I be missing?

I imagine my grandmother, who has aged so much in the past few years, sitting on the edge of the kitchen, peeling garlic and onion and ginger, in preparation of the usual feast that is expected from the entire family. There will be my mom, bent over the kitchen sink, washing leafy vegetables, rinsing rice and butchering whatever choice of meat they have decided to cook for the day.

My younger cousins will be huddled together, peering over my brother’s shoulder as he shows them his latest computer game. The cats will curl up lazily on the couch, hoping that no one disturbs their afternoon nap. And my dad will sit at the dining table, reading the day’s newspaper and annoying the women in the kitchen as he bosses them around.

They say you never know what you have til it’s gone.

I used to hate the holidays and festivities. The bright lights and the loud music. Having to be up early to help in the kitchen because it’s expected of you. I hated the long commute back to my father’s hometown. I hated the traffic and the fake smiles you have to put on while you visit relatives you barely even know.

But tonight I find myself sitting alone on my bed, listening to indie bands and typing once again into this void. It’s nothing out of the ordinary because I’ve found myself here a plenty of times but it’s especially hard tonight. Tonight, the reality of my loneliness becomes that much more evident.

People have always commented about how incredibly brave I am to have just moved all the way around the world on my own. I usually shrug at their comments and say that if they had the chance to do so, they would too. That it wasn’t a big deal to me.

I’m realizing now that it is a big deal. It was so much easier in the beginning when everything was new and exciting. But now, things are turning into more of a routine. I wake up and the mountains will always be to my west. The apartments across the street are still painted the same color. They have all been so predictable.

It is a big deal because when my family decides to get together and take a picture, I won’t be there. It’s also a big deal because when my best friend goes in for a job interview and gets it, I won’t be there to take her out for drinks. It’s a big deal because I won’t be there for any of these important moments of their lives anymore.

It’s incredibly hard, this process of growing up and gaining independence. More often than not, I find myself sacrificing so much for something that isn’t even a sure bet. I feel like my life has just been leaps of blind faith. Always diving head first into a situation and praying that I don’t die from the fall.

It’s a new semester here and a new year. For the most of it, I have it all together. I have made some good friends and I’m working hard at school, in hopes of gaining something for myself.

I’m still praying for strength and hoping that this leap I take again, I will make it through.

Posted in Family, Life | Leave a comment

Let Me Back

by adelinashee Posted on January 16, 2012

I honestly don’t know how I’m feeling about my surroundings right now.

I’ve been trying so hard to keep to myself and be reserved but all I find myself wanting to do is see him again.

I remember feeling so upset that night over the past and feeling angry and betrayed. But the moment he walked in, it was like nothing else existed or even mattered. I lighted up like the fourth of July and remembered so much fun, being myself in his company.

Granted I don’t remember much of the night due to my own irresponsibility but I did remember the morning.

The morning for me lasted forever. And when it came to end, I was just that much disappointed.

I think I’m falling in love but it just may be falling apart.

Posted in Life, Thoughts | Leave a comment